I've been twirling around in the dark for a while now. Having so much to talk about, but not wanting to let those feelings out. Being so sad, and feeling so alone. While things are still really very unsettled, I am finally letting myself see a bit of light again, feel some warmth.I had a miscarriage. We weren't exactly trying, but it still hurts.
Actually, Nick (my husband of 10 years) and I have been fighting quite a bit lately. And that is very much an understatement. So much so that when I found out I was pregnant, I wished it away. I asked for it not to be true. I asked for it to just go away. I remember very clearly thinking "ok, a heart isn't beating yet. If this just goes away, if my body just makes this go away, it'll be fine. There's not *really* a baby there yet, just a mass of tissue trying to form into a baby".
I got exactly what I was asking for, and the amount of guilt I am feeling is unbearable. I am very much pro-life. I would never do anything to "kill" my baby ... but I am feeling as though I did just that.
I'll be ok. I have just been taking some down time to really let myself heal from this. Allowing myself to feel all of this feelings (no matter how irrational) I am having, so I'm able to really work through them and move on.
I'm climbing out. Slowly but surely I AM climbing out.
Keep climbing. I hope you come through this, and I am guessing you will. Time heals all wounds. how much time is completely up to you.
ReplyDeleteNo one has the right to tell you when you should stop mourning, and if they try to tell you, just walk away.
Glad I found your blog!
I so know what your gowing through right now. I have so much emtion running through me right nowI feel like just giving up on life.
ReplyDelete