I am often faced with challenges that shake me to my core, and force me realize the strength I have inside myself. I have more often then not thought of myself as weak. As not able to handle conflict, struggle, challenge. As a quitter ... running when things got tough. Now, I can't tell you WHY I've felt that way about myself. I can't think of a single time that I ran when things got tough. I can't think of a time that I was unable to work through conflict, struggle, and challenges. But all the same, I've viewed myself as weak for a great majority of my life.
3 1/2 years ago I was faced with the biggest obstacle in my life. I wanted to run ... I wanted out. But, I didn't. I thought "running away is easy, sticking around to try and work through this - on the off chance that we make it... that takes courage". I stayed, and it was in that decision that I had felt real pride in myself for the first time! Although that same decision also has me feeling, at times, ashamed, weak, pathetic, etc, etc, etc ... it is a decision I will never regret. The feeling of pride was strong. It was the catalyst that lifted me up out of my severe depression and self hatred. It was the step up I needed to see myself through a new set of eyes. It changed my life entirely!
I am a strong a woman! I have a strong heart, a strong mind, and strong capable hands that are able to help my family get through the darkest of hours. I am emotionally reactive, and often don't believe in myself, but when I'm able to step back, breathe, gather my thoughts ... I know I have been faced with so many challenges because I'm fully capable of steering through them. I am!
There are some that aren't at the same point in their lives right now. I am specifically talking about my husband. A wonderful, wonderful man that has lost his way. While, from the outside, it looks as though I am getting a bum deal, and should just cut my loses (how much can and should one person take... a very valid question and worry), from the inside, I can't help but think perhaps we were brought together by fate (and not in the christian godly sense, mind you ... soul mates, perhaps? been here done this before? I don't know) because I AM able to endure. I am able to see past the initial hurt and betrayal that I feel, and look deeper. See the desperation he's living, feel the screams for help, and know that I am fully capable of taking it on. I am able to pull myself together and let my strength lead the way.
I don't know what I'm going to do... but I do know that I have enough strength, courage, and willingness to do what it takes! Whatever that is.
That is the kind of strength I want to have. I fear what you are going through, and the possibility that I would not be able to handle it. I am thankful that I found your blog, even though I can't remember what brought me to it in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you are going through right now, but you shown that you can make it through the toughest times, and this will be no different! I hope you find peace (SOON) with whatever is going on in your life right now!
ReplyDelete((((HUGS))))